Relative Matters

It's with a mixture of emotions that I move ever forward...looking to the calender and counting the days until I depart for Boston with my youngest daughter Brooke. Home at long last!

But things are not always as bright and cheerful on the inside - as they may often appear to be on the outside...

After years of enduring hell on earth, my oldest daughter, Makayla; who is, as of today, a twelve year old leukemia survivor, has decided to relocate to MN to be with her dad.

I cannot, nor will I, act as if this decision has blind sided me, it hasn't. Makayla has always favored her dad. And why wouldn't she? He has been the picture perfect PLAYMATE. (I am hoping this will change)

Through out the years, during endless visits to oncology/hematology/er"s and follow-up appointments/clinics for: fevers, vomiting, anemia, graft vs. host, bmt, and many others new and exciting symptoms: joint pain, endocrinology, ovarian failure, daddy has always been a phone call away.

Away from the pain...away from the needles...away from the chemotherapy and radiation therapy...away from the bone marrow aspirations and minor surgery's... Hell, I would want to run far far way from my mom; and all of the nightmares, too...

I mean, hasn't it ALWAYS been HER who has voluntarily transported me back and forth to the hospital for the past twelve years of my life...subjecting me to endless hours of pain and suffering...? (just imagine what this child has on her little mind...)

And then there's the inner issue that's right under the surface - just past the pain and suffering that is obviously directly the tip of the iceburg (the melting has only just begun in our lives together, thus far) ...

I recently (within past 10 months) told Makayla that I was a lesbian. This is something which she, on the surface tells me she is o.k. with. But after being surrounded by her dad's side of the family, who is NOT supportive of my life style, and being some what brainwashed; (during her younger years, his step dad has been been VERY vocal with me) totally disrespecting the minds of my innocent children...attempting to stop me from pursuing MY personal sense of happiness in this lifetime.

I have NO doubt that Makayla and I need to embrace and welcome this much needed space. And It's my hope that this time and space away from each other will only strengthen our relationship. However, it hurts my heart deeply to know that she chose to be with her dad. Who has come and gone out of her life sparatically.

So it's with a heart full of dreams and happiness, sadness and longing, that I take my youngest daughter Brooke's hand and head of into the horizon - which will be great for her and I as we haven't really had time to bond as much as we should have (I was always busy tending to Makayla's hospital appointments, and life).

What does tomorrow hold? For sure, long walks at the ocean with Brooke and our new puppy. Lots of baseball games and endless sessions of catch in our backyard. Tons of cuddles, hugs, and kisses - quality mommy daughter time. And yes, for Brooke and I both, some sorrow as we feel that part of my our heart is disconnected and missing...