As if my daydreamer syndrome is not enough of a distraction in my daily life, I have discovered that I can escape into cyber space whenever I feel the need to avoid my soul's longing for stillness.
So why do I continually log in to cyber world and purposely seek and avoid being still? - that is easy enough for me to answer: Honestly, I don't know what to do when I am still.
Why is embracing peace so difficult? Seriously, the moment I feel completely in the "NOW" and filled with peace, I immediately freak out and start to wonder why I am allowing myself to be lazy and completely unproductive.
I think the true key to peace lies within our "conscious" ability to allow ourselves to escape unconsciousness - and it is not easy to do. We live our lifes seeking noise and disorder; both of which keep us from finding our true sense of consciousness (which envokes passion, love, and joy.)
Awakening is a journey which involves our soul - we must be still. In order to fulfill our inner most desire to not be unconscious, our minds most not be free to wonder. It is within us to simply be HERE, in the NOW - right this second. We are capable of experiencing total peace.
Today's goal - clear my mind and listen to my breath while I breathe.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Relative Matters
It's with a mixture of emotions that I move ever forward...looking to the calender and counting the days until I depart for Boston with my youngest daughter Brooke. Home at long last!
But things are not always as bright and cheerful on the inside - as they may often appear to be on the outside...
After years of enduring hell on earth, my oldest daughter, Makayla; who is, as of today, a twelve year old leukemia survivor, has decided to relocate to MN to be with her dad.
I cannot, nor will I, act as if this decision has blind sided me, it hasn't. Makayla has always favored her dad. And why wouldn't she? He has been the picture perfect PLAYMATE. (I am hoping this will change)
Through out the years, during endless visits to oncology/hematology/er"s and follow-up appointments/clinics for: fevers, vomiting, anemia, graft vs. host, bmt, and many others new and exciting symptoms: joint pain, endocrinology, ovarian failure, daddy has always been a phone call away.
Away from the pain...away from the needles...away from the chemotherapy and radiation therapy...away from the bone marrow aspirations and minor surgery's... Hell, I would want to run far far way from my mom; and all of the nightmares, too...
I mean, hasn't it ALWAYS been HER who has voluntarily transported me back and forth to the hospital for the past twelve years of my life...subjecting me to endless hours of pain and suffering...? (just imagine what this child has on her little mind...)
And then there's the inner issue that's right under the surface - just past the pain and suffering that is obviously directly the tip of the iceburg (the melting has only just begun in our lives together, thus far) ...
I recently (within past 10 months) told Makayla that I was a lesbian. This is something which she, on the surface tells me she is o.k. with. But after being surrounded by her dad's side of the family, who is NOT supportive of my life style, and being some what brainwashed; (during her younger years, his step dad has been been VERY vocal with me) totally disrespecting the minds of my innocent children...attempting to stop me from pursuing MY personal sense of happiness in this lifetime.
I have NO doubt that Makayla and I need to embrace and welcome this much needed space. And It's my hope that this time and space away from each other will only strengthen our relationship. However, it hurts my heart deeply to know that she chose to be with her dad. Who has come and gone out of her life sparatically.
So it's with a heart full of dreams and happiness, sadness and longing, that I take my youngest daughter Brooke's hand and head of into the horizon - which will be great for her and I as we haven't really had time to bond as much as we should have (I was always busy tending to Makayla's hospital appointments, and life).
What does tomorrow hold? For sure, long walks at the ocean with Brooke and our new puppy. Lots of baseball games and endless sessions of catch in our backyard. Tons of cuddles, hugs, and kisses - quality mommy daughter time. And yes, for Brooke and I both, some sorrow as we feel that part of my our heart is disconnected and missing...
But things are not always as bright and cheerful on the inside - as they may often appear to be on the outside...
After years of enduring hell on earth, my oldest daughter, Makayla; who is, as of today, a twelve year old leukemia survivor, has decided to relocate to MN to be with her dad.
I cannot, nor will I, act as if this decision has blind sided me, it hasn't. Makayla has always favored her dad. And why wouldn't she? He has been the picture perfect PLAYMATE. (I am hoping this will change)
Through out the years, during endless visits to oncology/hematology/er"s and follow-up appointments/clinics for: fevers, vomiting, anemia, graft vs. host, bmt, and many others new and exciting symptoms: joint pain, endocrinology, ovarian failure, daddy has always been a phone call away.
Away from the pain...away from the needles...away from the chemotherapy and radiation therapy...away from the bone marrow aspirations and minor surgery's... Hell, I would want to run far far way from my mom; and all of the nightmares, too...
I mean, hasn't it ALWAYS been HER who has voluntarily transported me back and forth to the hospital for the past twelve years of my life...subjecting me to endless hours of pain and suffering...? (just imagine what this child has on her little mind...)
And then there's the inner issue that's right under the surface - just past the pain and suffering that is obviously directly the tip of the iceburg (the melting has only just begun in our lives together, thus far) ...
I recently (within past 10 months) told Makayla that I was a lesbian. This is something which she, on the surface tells me she is o.k. with. But after being surrounded by her dad's side of the family, who is NOT supportive of my life style, and being some what brainwashed; (during her younger years, his step dad has been been VERY vocal with me) totally disrespecting the minds of my innocent children...attempting to stop me from pursuing MY personal sense of happiness in this lifetime.
I have NO doubt that Makayla and I need to embrace and welcome this much needed space. And It's my hope that this time and space away from each other will only strengthen our relationship. However, it hurts my heart deeply to know that she chose to be with her dad. Who has come and gone out of her life sparatically.
So it's with a heart full of dreams and happiness, sadness and longing, that I take my youngest daughter Brooke's hand and head of into the horizon - which will be great for her and I as we haven't really had time to bond as much as we should have (I was always busy tending to Makayla's hospital appointments, and life).
What does tomorrow hold? For sure, long walks at the ocean with Brooke and our new puppy. Lots of baseball games and endless sessions of catch in our backyard. Tons of cuddles, hugs, and kisses - quality mommy daughter time. And yes, for Brooke and I both, some sorrow as we feel that part of my our heart is disconnected and missing...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Rainy Day
I woke this morning to an overcast sky and rain puddles. I don't believe that the entire day will be as such; I can see the the sun attempting to break through the the dismal horizon.
Sleep beckons me. I return my gaze to the warmth and comfort of my bed; leaving the window and view of today. Yes, it would be extremely easy for me to curl back up in my blanket and drift silently away to neverland. Against my heart's desire I focus my attention at the task before me, and I begin to make my bed. Sadly, the sight of my bed "made" only enhances its inviting alure - it's going to be a long day.
Sleep beckons me. I return my gaze to the warmth and comfort of my bed; leaving the window and view of today. Yes, it would be extremely easy for me to curl back up in my blanket and drift silently away to neverland. Against my heart's desire I focus my attention at the task before me, and I begin to make my bed. Sadly, the sight of my bed "made" only enhances its inviting alure - it's going to be a long day.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Homecoming
Year's have past since last I blogged under my pen name, "Meloncholy Girl"...so in more ways than one, I will soon re-unified with many of my loved ones; while celebrating and welcoming all of you to join me as I begin preparing for my homecoming celebration.
To those of you who are familiar with my writing (from year's prior) I cannot begin to thank you enough for you continued friendship and loyally - it means a lot to me, especially during these times of fickle acquaintances: Life is too short (and my time is far too precious) for shallow hearts and judgmental minds - get real, or, be gone.
So what has sparked my return? Yes, my dearest darlings, I can hear your thoughts racing as your eyes scan through the words; which I now freely transmit for your veiwing. And to be completely honest ( I know of NO other way to be) with you, it's hope my writing will enlighten me so that I can answer this looming question...
In just two short months (or there about) I will be returning home to my city and state of origin - Boston, Ma. It has be fifteen years since I have resided in Boston, and until now, I have merely referred to myself, and quite often, as a displaced Bostonian; who in her heart of hearts has longed for nothing more than an opportunity to once again journey home.
...
My path has lead me here, and it is here (lost in the midst of a major life altering transition) that I once again fire up my laptop and begin to compose and share all of my thoughts and daily life activities with myself, and, all of you, my dearest darlings.
..."What has "sparked" my sudden return"? ....
I'll be back soon!
~Mel
To those of you who are familiar with my writing (from year's prior) I cannot begin to thank you enough for you continued friendship and loyally - it means a lot to me, especially during these times of fickle acquaintances: Life is too short (and my time is far too precious) for shallow hearts and judgmental minds - get real, or, be gone.
So what has sparked my return? Yes, my dearest darlings, I can hear your thoughts racing as your eyes scan through the words; which I now freely transmit for your veiwing. And to be completely honest ( I know of NO other way to be) with you, it's hope my writing will enlighten me so that I can answer this looming question...
In just two short months (or there about) I will be returning home to my city and state of origin - Boston, Ma. It has be fifteen years since I have resided in Boston, and until now, I have merely referred to myself, and quite often, as a displaced Bostonian; who in her heart of hearts has longed for nothing more than an opportunity to once again journey home.
...
My path has lead me here, and it is here (lost in the midst of a major life altering transition) that I once again fire up my laptop and begin to compose and share all of my thoughts and daily life activities with myself, and, all of you, my dearest darlings.
..."What has "sparked" my sudden return"? ....
I'll be back soon!
~Mel
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